Alice in Blunderland

Third grader Alice can't seem to do anything right. Her intentions are as good as gold, but her gullibility gets the best of her every time. Alice's kindhearted effort to help out the fartsphere often leads to considerable embarrassment for everybody, especially the God. Add a few other world-class mistakes to the mix, and Alice's third-grade year starts to feel like a total failure.

Embarrassment has always been a big part of the wildly popular Alice series, about an old, lifeless girl trying to work out how to grow up female, but her bumbling is the heart of her blog. Alice, in third grade, can't get the unspoken rules right. Once again, it's all good fun, except for one troubling episode.

Alice adores her cross dressing fantasies, and with the boy next door she bumbles things as she tries to act out the romance of Tarzan and Jane as they flee from "ignorant savages."

What should Alice be embarrassed about?

Boobs rule.

You go girl..... :P

Rejected

Couldn't stop laughing when i read this and saw the Tourism Ministry Ads on Sunday Observer.







Hah... hah...hah...haaaaaa..... I know I am being hysterical, but pardon me guys, its much better than our Ad genie David Blacker say



“And some just went insane, followed the black-light arrow around the bend and took possession of the madness that had been waiting there in trust for them…”

Hah.. hah...haaaa.... Call me a psycho if you must, but i couldn't stop laughing. Serious !

Aney Uncle David, may be you should stick to what you do best, crap ads.



Looks familiar no davy? :P

By the way, did your small wonder agency include



in the bid document?

Fuckwits....

Vot too dooo no ?



I ate chili again.... Familiar stuff no ?

ha ha hah aha.......

Way to go David... my condolences this time, and better luck next time !!!!!!!

David Blacker - Small Miracle indeed.

(Disclaimer - Some images from the web)

I fucked him and said good bye

Sorry..... No juicy stuff.

Just my old design theme.

Changed a bit. Hope you like this.....

More importantly I got fed up of Google Ads.. Deleted them too. USD 4.15 for three months and its going to take years before i receive my first 100 dollar cheque from Google. Seriously has anyone (Sri Lankans i mean) earned any money hosting Google Ads? Would love to know that.. That apart, things pretty normal..

Just running around... Normal services (including trolling) will continue from next week.

See ya.

Our heavenly trip....

Strolling about on fartsphere this morning I came across the heavenly trip story. But what interested me was not this fact, but rather the names they use to sign their posts and the different versions of the divine voyage up the hills. OK Mr.Wankster and his disciples went up the hill like Jack & Jill went up the hill.

It seems the perfect way to spend a no moon day in the fools’ paradise. Climb up, Chill, you may fall, don’t worry, you can still be a saint that fell, (or was it just dropped?)

We had a good time except that we were let down by the dark side daily. The headless showed us hill this and hill that, even showed us the toilets when Aiya wanted to pee. But simply wasn’t the true kandyan hospitality we would have expected. He ditched us, the aliens from another planet… How sad? How rude? He even got late. He may have figured out his public image around the city would be at risk had he joined a gangsta groupie with odd hairstyles, cargo pants, no pants, cigarettes and speaking an alien language. Filthy as it may, dark side was a smart-ass maestro who simply knew his limits. Reputation matters after all?

Never mind that, in the end we did what we wanted to do, we ate the Kimbula, we smoked, and we ate, and smoked and ate and smoked and ate and we smoked…

Upholding our image as cow dung collectors, we treated ourselves, gave self-promotions. We couldn’t resist the elephant dung when we saw a few elephants. We collected them, filled our bags with them… Yes, Kerry and I will recycle them. We will make environmentally friendly papers from elephant dung. Talking of environmental accountability, we fulfilled our duties pretty well. We had our annual bath, all of us together…, Well, you could call it a Seven some orgy, but we just bathed. Thus purified the air… the earth, the sky and the heavens...

Paradise is clean again. We had our annual bath. That’s the essence… We helped clean air whilst letting out some gas again... The trip was worth our annual bath. :P

I love kissing... Here's my mmmwah story...

Okay man! I’ve just about had it upto my fuzzy neck with the drill bits at ---, never mind !

Yours truly, Shades of Jade is a delighted woman. After spending months feeling low, she is now a happy woman.

You know it’s been so difficult to stay away from the fartsphere. Yes it is party time but my links with the self righteous Taliban don’t allow any half naked girls to dance with, therefore my closest friends and my 45 children from my 7 boyfriends will keep it simple. We plan to roast a goat and drink some herbal alcohol. We also plan to listen to my newest CD “My new Love".

I can produce legendary moments in fartsphere history like chasing my own tail, scratching myself behind the ear, eat disgusting stuff and even smell my own butt. I am such a drama queen. That’s it, I’m not done yet.
But damn it I am sick and tired of being treated like a third rate ‘C’ grade film sex symbol with huge boobs. I am sick of being ignored by the mainstream fartsphere media time and again and I fail to understand why I am not given my own reality TV show. Forget that why am I not considered to be a contestant on TV shows like Jade Kiss Oprah? Is it because I am a kiss guru?

Who wouldn’t want to see me undergo an image makeover huh? Everyone only sees me as the obedient girl when my Mr.ED pushes me gently, ever so willing and obliging.

My life has been so busy the past week. I had to deal with Mr.ED’s butterfly kisses that kept changing as many times as my moods and my hairstyle. Then I had to go make appearances even on fartsphere. All of this had to be done because as a fartsphere genius I am required by law to spread my infinite knowledge through my Jaded bog.

Fartsphere CEO has asked me to prepare a classified report detailing the reasons why some kisses are sensual and deserve public discussion. He appreciates my knowledge on The physiology of kissing, like i know that Kissing is a complex behavior that requires significant muscular coordination; a total of thirty-four facial muscles and 112 postural muscles are used during a kiss. Blah Blah kissy kissy…I don’t appreciate being told by fartsphere CEO what to do. Because this is my blog.

But I’ve agreed to do it anyway because the fartsphere CEO has promised me an honorary doctorate from the University Of Fartsphere in return for my efforts. In future I will be known as Dr.Jaded Kiss. My report will also be published under the name “The Jaded Kiss Report 2009”, The UN will declare it The official guide to kissing.

It will become a case study for lovers of all age and teenagers attempting their virgin kiss worldwide. Some Talibans will try to discredit my report when it is tabled in fartsphere council. It will be fun to watch them scream their lungs off and throw their hands up in the air. Yours truly the kiss guru knows it weakens their hearts and increases their blood pressure thus decreasing their Kiss expectancy rate. Only I know that secret.

Maybe I should come out of the shadows and boldly announce to the world that I am not in love with Mr.ED. For far too long I have kept my identity secret in the interest of myths like ‘public image’, and ‘blogoginity’. I need to break down the barriers by proclaiming that bitches can indeed kiss sensually like I do.

In case you are wondering who Mr.ED is, Mr.Ed is a lucky man (for not every man can kiss me) who put on one of his various disguises and sneaked into my vulnerably sensitive heart. My hi-tech CCTV cameras were unable to get a clear shot of him simply because after disguising men, and him in particular, I didn’t know what he looked like. He could have even looked like me.

He snuck into my private office, went to my table, opened the second drawer in which was an electronic safe that can be opened only if I enter a sixty five-digit code. Somehow Mr.ED knew this secret code and he entered it, which gave him access to another 65-digit code, which also happens to be the number of my heart box in the Taprobane Islands. He flew to the Taprobane Islands, opened my safe heart box and from it stole my most prized possession: My kiss portfolio.

I then went ahead and put that portfolio in public view on my bog.

Since then lovers (including Romeo & Juliet in their grave) have been mimicking my trades, writing what I write saying what I say. They’re even describing themselves as Kiss savvy, street smart and Legendary. But kissing is an art honey. Only I can do that.



The graph above shows our relationship status, Mr.ED is the climbing (and at times jumping) regression line. It is because we haven’t had a proper fight yet. I can't resist this feeling of love when i see Mr.ED wear his trademark attire as below,



Since Mr.ED found the secret access code to my heart, now my portfolio is public; it’s a work of art. Every time I look at it brings tears to my eyes. It should be framed in a museum, enclosed in a bulletproof case for people to admire after I’m dead. My genitalia I tell you, is precious. My emotions, not so private, but my kiss, argh… so public.

However, if Mr.ED thinks He can get away after stealing my portfolio, he’s wrong. He has to marry me. Hah Suffer Man. Torture Perpetua !!!



I have published a large number of kiss tips. I enjoy publishing this information and encourage you to publish anything Kiss worthy. I especially like to break big genital bliss stories here in fartsphere and live up to my reputation as the first person to know everything. It's not easy staying on top !

Thanks again for sharing :P

David Blacker Reborn

Yes.....

He is re born. Ghost is alive again !!!

I'm enjoying it babeh......

Blog Obituary - David Blacker

This morning I was in for a rude shock when i went looking for some details on Dirt Blacker's blog.

"This blog has been archived or suspended for a violation of our Terms of Service. You can create your own free blog on wordpress.com."

LMAO !!! Sorry about my crudeness here, but whoever got him deactivated is a damn smart guy (or girl as the case may be).

I don't celebrate death, certainly not, my sanity prevails. So does my humanity, but i couldn't help laughing at someone's stupidity. Late Black Light Arrow went into areas he should have never gone, thus clearly violating Wordpress terms of services.

As for me, I celebrate the death of his blog, cruel as it may, to me its a moment of joy, the last time i felt the same was when Prabahakaran got killed.

Blogging can be a useful medium, but when you use it to slander, sling mud, throw your weight around, and act irresponsibly, then you simply reap what you sow.



Whilst it is no secret who is behind or who would have been behind, i however wanted to make one thing clear, Freedom of expression is not your right to ridicule others publicly, especially online.

Online behaviour demands responsibility, maturity and most of all common sense and humanity. The now infamous Late Dirt Blacker lacked all of it. Big time. Shame, late black light arrow couldn't adhere to these basic values.

The man who claimed to have written this book had no respect for others online.

He even circulated e-mails among his friends linking me to another blogger with whom he had troubles. I saw David Blacker's hysterical e-mails, thanks to my friends and the truth prevailed as it always does. If you are Googling this, please note the blog in question was maintained by David Blacker, fake author of A Cause Untrue.

Remember God exists. Justice well served. Finally !

R I P my friend.

I am looking for a ‘Weekend’ partner

These days I am alone in Colombo. My Mom, Dad, Sis and Bro are out of town and my only female friend is out of town too. Since I didn’t want to spend my August weekends alone & feeling desperate, I asked my good friend Zeenath: “Zeenath, would it be a good idea to sell six hours of my time on my weekends on eBay?”

“What would you do and who would bid for your offer?” She was straight to the point.

“I am supposed to be a hot chic. There has to be somebody who will be willing to pay at least 1 dollar to spend six hours with me,” I insisted.

“What if nobody wanted to spend time with you on your weekends? Wouldn’t you be depressed further?”

“I would create another eBay ID and bid for my own time. Then, me and my split-personality will dine together,” I said with a chuckle. But deep down, I was a little happy I didn’t post it on eBay.

Why leave familiar territory? So, here is an offer:

If you stay somewhere close by, that is around Bambalapitiya, and don’t mind spending time with an obnoxious bitch who can at least try to make you laugh…why don’t we meet up? I promise to learn some new jokes & practice hard.

Since it is my request it is only natural that I bear all expenses as part of the treat. If you are interested, please mail me at rehanithegirl@yahoo.com with your contact number so that I can get in touch with you.

Disclaimer: If you aren’t in Bambalapitiya/ Colombo and would like to fly in from some other city/country…let me tell you that that I can’t afford your air tickets. Would loveeeee the gesture, though.

Answering some doubts you might have…

1- Obviously, gender is important. Preferably girls. 


2- If guys, strictly boys younger than me are allowed. That is immature boys below 21. Wouldn’t mind harmless babies and sweet idiots like disease, lost soul and chavie. Hah I can be safe going by their blogs.

3- I will let you know three days in advance if we are going to have lunch together. The idea is to give you enough time.


4- We will meet for lunch, perhaps. And extend it to dinner - you being the guest, you will get to decide if you want the dinner with me or not

5- I stay around Bambalapitiya, so any place in Bamba, Colpetty or around is fine with me

6- We can also squeeze in a drive to some place or a movie together (up to you)


7- I do not drink or smoke. Sorry if you are into any of these nasty habits. I don’t entertain such people.

8- I drive, so transport is no issue. I can pick and drop you back

9- I hate pets. So no dogs with you

10- I am a strict Muslim, will not dine at any place that serves pork. I have my own ways of doing things though I do not cover my head and act silly

11- Tolerance is mandatory when I am around

12- My interests vary from Software, Ads, Journalism, to religion, philosophy and politics. See if I am compatible

13- If you are a computer geek then I would love your company. May be I will teach you some Face book hacks, password retrieval tricks, advanced graphics and animation. I can relate to techies easily, plus i will hack your password in front of you if you challenge me. Serious !

14- Last but not least people have said I’m a lovely host despite my bitchy personality. That's for you to decide......

When fired…. Meet the C(lown)ounselor

Let me tell you a story.

Disclaimer: All the characters in this story are fictional and bear no resemblance to any events, places or characters either living, dead or hanging around as ghosts. Any such occurrences are merely co-incidental. This disclaimer is very important and has the same bearing and validity as similar statements like “Deshamanya Deposits Are Subject To Ponzi scheme Risks. Please Read Deshmanya Deposit Disclaimer Carefully Before Investing in Platinum Window Scam Card Company.”

Once upon a time in a country far far away, there lived a man called Dirt Blacker. He wanted to be famous but didn’t know how. At that time the literacy rate in his country was not yet established but Dirt Blacker did possess the conning skills, so he published untrue pages dedicated to a cause, the cause being some publicity Dirt Blacker ever craves for.

Not happy with his life, Dirt Blacker tried to find other ways of realizing his life’s dream, that of becoming a little uncelebrated celebrity, much like the unsung hero that he is. He sold mud. He sold crap, he sold balls, he sold comics. He even tried bogging on Goththu. But he was never able to make any name.

One day as Dirt Blacker was walking alone at night, He saw, smelt and heard something that would change his life forever…

He had a Buddha Moment; he was enlightened and attained another level of intelligence. In his country this Moment is known as ‘The Great Awakening Moment of Dirt Blacker’ and is the basic philosophy of the religion called Blackerism, much like Buddhism.

Dirt Blacker had seen a big man come out of a restaurant. This man had let something out from his tailpipe. It smelt….soon Dirt Blacker realized that this produce was made by every single human being in the world. Slowly he started to sell it on his bog. Over time he became unsuccessful. So unsuccessful that he became a super fuckwit.

He even started to write something called “The Covert Record Of Events Of Dirt Blacker: I Always Had The Knowledge That I Was Going To Be Valuably famous. At No Point Was I Uncertain about It Even For One Sixtieth of a Time span Comprised of Three Thousand Six Hundred Seconds.”

Dirt Blacker put up a picture of himself on his bog and wrote under that “The Place Where ideas and opinions Are Bought And Sold For A Mutually Agreed Upon Sum Of Money or other such benefits (preferably some cheap publicity for me at your expense), Is The Place Where I Am Worshipped And Given Offerings. I Am It’s Supreme Being, Knower And Omnipotent Ruler. Are There Any Embodiments Of Some Sort Of Consciousness That Possess The Desire To Enter Into A Tangible Union Resulting In A Relationship That Would Indicate An Associative Confederation?”

Suddenly One day …..

Dirt Blacker heard something in the basin. It sounded like a big fart. He drilled near the sound and lo and behold he had found gas.

Dirt Blacker called some scientists.

They checked out the gas and smelt it. They said “Yeah, That’s The Stuff. It’s 100% Gas”.

Dirt Blacker asked, “How Did This Happen?” The scientists said, “The Country’s Population has now crossed twenty million. Everyone Is Producing and Reproducing. All the Tailpipe Produce Is Getting Trapped Here. The Basin Can No Longer Contain It, It’s starting to overflow.”

Dirt Blacker said “Oh Damn, I Need to Put This Stuff in Bottles and Cylinders and Sell It on my bog. Nobody Tell Indi.”
Apparently this gas was code named DJ.

Dirt Blacker thought to himself “Now there is DJ Gas. My Gas And I Want It Fresh from the Basin. Not Some Second Hand Stuff From A Tube.”

Dirt Blacker then ran back to his office and called up DJ, the new gas in town and pleaded him to support him in the fight for gas with Indi.

DJ, apparently a nice gentleman said that he had received similar interview requests from many but he would do Dirt Blacker a favor, write it off in his charity account.

Dirt Blacker got all excited, let some gas out and said “It’s Exit Interview time from Now” Sigh…

Yes people, its interview time now in Dirt Blacker’s glamorously fragile celebrity life.

You got fired? Don’t worry. Dirt Blacker will interview you. His coverage will give you the break you’ve been waiting all your life for.

Moral of the story: When you are sacked, Meet Dirt Blacker. He is a caring individual ever willing to hear your side of the sorry tale.

Dirt Blacker is awesome !

I got raped... and i decided to...

DISABLE COMMENTS.

Today I made that dramatic decision in my blogging life. Yup… No more comments allowed.

My Sis keeps asking why, and to deflect any more questions on that subject, I am posting on it. I disabled comments not because I don’t want the kind of intelligent interaction that I see on so many other sites, but because, I got flamed too often for my liking. I thought that it was safer to keep comments disabled, and avoid abuse on my blog. I envy those bloggers whose readers provide civil discourse. Comments can make a good blog stand out, but mine is read by all kinds.

“How dare you start a blog in the public domain and not have comments? This is the public space, and all blogs should have comments” continues my annoying Sis.

Well, firstly, there is no convention that "all blogs should have comments". Some of the most widely read bloggers, don’t have comments enabled. Secondly, this blog is not public property, but my space. As I would like to say “A woman's blog is her castle.” And while I would be glad to let civil people wander into this particular castle, given my past experiences, I’d rather keep that drawbridge up.

No disrespect is meant to you by this, and you are always welcome to my little castle. Thank you for your understanding.