SECRET, PRIVATE, PERSONAL, INTIMATE, UNDISCLOSED, UNREVEALED, RESTRICTED, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, BETWEEN OURSELVES, IN CAMERA, OFF THE RECORD, CONFIDENTIAL AND HUSH HUSH.
FULL REPORT ON MJ'S DNA, FORENSIC AND 007 ANALYSIS BY FARTSPHERE ACCLAIMED DEFENCE GURU DIRT BLACKER.
Few days ago Michael Jackson died. Thanks to the wonder of Television (Dirt Blacker has Plasma LCD with BLURAY- limited military edition) Dirt Blacker was able to watch many tributes to him. Today Dirt Blacker notices that there is a full-scale international investigation headed by the media to find out how Michael Jackson died.
The media never left Michael alone when he was alive and they are still not leaving him alone once he's passed on into the afterlife.
So how did Michael Jackson die?
At this point I would like to issue a specially prepared statement verified by my Chief Public Relations Officer:
“I, Dirt Blacker had absolutely nothing to do in the matter of Michael Jackson’s demise. Any reports or rumors being harbored on the Fartsphere that I, Dirt Blacker killed Michael Jackson are completely and totally untrue. They are an attempt to malign my sexy wild cowboy defence analyst image and cause a Fartsphere crash”
Now why did I just say all this?
It’s because as an influential fart I get blamed for a lot of things. We live in a society of blamers. But thanks to statements verified by one’s Chief Public Relations Officer one’s blame can always be cleared.
Once the blame is cleared it is one’s duty to get back to being a member of society by placing the blame for a particular event by blaming someone else. This is exactly what I have done. The Fartsphere has blamed me for the death of Michael Jackson. Now that I have cleared my name by issuing a statement I shall place the blame on someone else.
Thus the cycle of blame continues and when the circle of blame comes full circle the Sri Lankan government can order an enquiry headed by someone. When that enquiry committee report comes out another new circle of blame begins which is almost always started by the opposition party.
So who killed Michael Jackson?
Fartsphere Police has conducted its preliminary investigation and revealed that the cause of MJ’s death is a fiendish creature called: MAHINDA.
The Fartsphere Police theory is based on the following considerations:
1- Mahinda considered Jackson an enemy because MJ liked to erect his statues but Mahinda is also obsessed with erecting statues. Both parties went to the same statue maker. MJ due to his celebritydom was always given the first preference which irritated Mahinda. He thus got rid of the competition by attacking MJ.
2- Mahinda still blames MJ for stealing his dance moves and hand gimmicks.
Since MJ is a foreign national who is not a parliamentarian in Sri Lanka, he cannot be transferred thus he can only be eliminated.
3- Mahinda was angry and jealous MJ was trying to imitate him thus causing much embarrassment to him. Mahinda had Patented this unique style of greeting that was known as "Ayubowan" to himself. MJ didn't pay the royalty fee due to Mahinda. So Mahinda ordered to kill MJ. Mahinda is said to be upset MJ's last will makes no reference to the 500 Million Dollars due to him in royalty debts.
4- Mahinda lost big time to MJ when they both had participated in "Whose hands are longer" waving competition. Mahinda was holding a grudge he couldn't beat MJ's classic finger gestures.
These are just a few reasons why Mahinda killed Michael Jackson according to Fartsphere Police. I, Dirt Blacker your self appointed self professed defence analyst do hereby certify these initial findings to be factually untrue and politically correct.
If you live in a world inhabited by Dirt Blacker, Fartsphere Police, terrorists, recession, depression, crime and poverty. You are indeed better off dead than alive.
RIP MJ.
(PS : No Prejudice intended to any individuals whether dead or alive)