Yours truly, Shades of Jade is a delighted woman. After spending months feeling low, she is now a happy woman.
You know it’s been so difficult to stay away from the fartsphere. Yes it is party time but my links with the self righteous Taliban don’t allow any half naked girls to dance with, therefore my closest friends and my 45 children from my 7 boyfriends will keep it simple. We plan to roast a goat and drink some herbal alcohol. We also plan to listen to my newest CD “My new Love".
I can produce legendary moments in fartsphere history like chasing my own tail, scratching myself behind the ear, eat disgusting stuff and even smell my own butt. I am such a drama queen. That’s it, I’m not done yet.
But damn it I am sick and tired of being treated like a third rate ‘C’ grade film sex symbol with huge boobs. I am sick of being ignored by the mainstream fartsphere media time and again and I fail to understand why I am not given my own reality TV show. Forget that why am I not considered to be a contestant on TV shows like Jade Kiss Oprah? Is it because I am a kiss guru?
Who wouldn’t want to see me undergo an image makeover huh? Everyone only sees me as the obedient girl when my Mr.ED pushes me gently, ever so willing and obliging.
My life has been so busy the past week. I had to deal with Mr.ED’s butterfly kisses that kept changing as many times as my moods and my hairstyle. Then I had to go make appearances even on fartsphere. All of this had to be done because as a fartsphere genius I am required by law to spread my infinite knowledge through my Jaded bog.
Fartsphere CEO has asked me to prepare a classified report detailing the reasons why some kisses are sensual and deserve public discussion. He appreciates my knowledge on The physiology of kissing, like i know that Kissing is a complex behavior that requires significant muscular coordination; a total of thirty-four facial muscles and 112 postural muscles are used during a kiss. Blah Blah kissy kissy…I don’t appreciate being told by fartsphere CEO what to do. Because this is my blog.
But I’ve agreed to do it anyway because the fartsphere CEO has promised me an honorary doctorate from the University Of Fartsphere in return for my efforts. In future I will be known as Dr.Jaded Kiss. My report will also be published under the name “The Jaded Kiss Report 2009”, The UN will declare it The official guide to kissing.
It will become a case study for lovers of all age and teenagers attempting their virgin kiss worldwide. Some Talibans will try to discredit my report when it is tabled in fartsphere council. It will be fun to watch them scream their lungs off and throw their hands up in the air. Yours truly the kiss guru knows it weakens their hearts and increases their blood pressure thus decreasing their Kiss expectancy rate. Only I know that secret.
Maybe I should come out of the shadows and boldly announce to the world that I am not in love with Mr.ED. For far too long I have kept my identity secret in the interest of myths like ‘public image’, and ‘blogoginity’. I need to break down the barriers by proclaiming that bitches can indeed kiss sensually like I do.
In case you are wondering who Mr.ED is, Mr.Ed is a lucky man (for not every man can kiss me) who put on one of his various disguises and sneaked into my vulnerably sensitive heart. My hi-tech CCTV cameras were unable to get a clear shot of him simply because after disguising men, and him in particular, I didn’t know what he looked like. He could have even looked like me.
He snuck into my private office, went to my table, opened the second drawer in which was an electronic safe that can be opened only if I enter a sixty five-digit code. Somehow Mr.ED knew this secret code and he entered it, which gave him access to another 65-digit code, which also happens to be the number of my heart box in the Taprobane Islands. He flew to the Taprobane Islands, opened my safe heart box and from it stole my most prized possession: My kiss portfolio.
I then went ahead and put that portfolio in public view on my bog.
Since then lovers (including Romeo & Juliet in their grave) have been mimicking my trades, writing what I write saying what I say. They’re even describing themselves as Kiss savvy, street smart and Legendary. But kissing is an art honey. Only I can do that.
The graph above shows our relationship status, Mr.ED is the climbing (and at times jumping) regression line. It is because we haven’t had a proper fight yet. I can't resist this feeling of love when i see Mr.ED wear his trademark attire as below,
Since Mr.ED found the secret access code to my heart, now my portfolio is public; it’s a work of art. Every time I look at it brings tears to my eyes. It should be framed in a museum, enclosed in a bulletproof case for people to admire after I’m dead. My genitalia I tell you, is precious. My emotions, not so private, but my kiss, argh… so public.
However, if Mr.ED thinks He can get away after stealing my portfolio, he’s wrong. He has to marry me. Hah Suffer Man. Torture Perpetua !!!
I have published a large number of kiss tips. I enjoy publishing this information and encourage you to publish anything Kiss worthy. I especially like to break big genital bliss stories here in fartsphere and live up to my reputation as the first person to know everything. It's not easy staying on top !
Thanks again for sharing :P